Teaching Haters How to Treat You
The movie "Mean Girls" covers this horrible behavior, which sadly doesn't stop after high school.
Starting in kindergarten, schoolyard bullies picked on me. They’d call me “pick-her-nose Pickard,” (my maiden last name) or pretend to be my friend one day only to laugh at me and call me names the next. I had girls tell me we’d be “secret friends” so that their more popular buddies wouldn’t know they were associated with me. I often played alone at recess due to my difficulty making friends because of my insecurities. For much of my grade school years, I’d come home sobbing about the way kids treated me.In fifth grade, a bully waited for days at the public library (where all the kids hung out) to catch me as I was exiting so that she could beat me up. Leading up to that day, I’d hear from mutual friends that she was excited to teach me a lesson, and remind me of who was in charge of the girls there. I walked out of the library that day terrified, knowing she was ready to pounce on me. I remember using every ounce of my physical strength to pry her off of my body, while she violently hit my chest and arms. That mile walk home I was a mess; bloody, bruised, sobbing, embarrassed and ashamed.As I matured, I hoped my bullying days were over. Then I learned that mean girls don’t stop being abusive just because they grow up; they just turn into catty women.
It’s a sad phenomenon called relational aggression, and its ugly behavior persists in workforces (and likely in mommy groups) all over the world. To be fair, my girlfriends are the most wonderful, loving human beings. They are everything to me. And, I’m making more male platonic friends, and I love it. There is nothing better than having the comfort of a trusted female or male friend that truly cares about you and whose intentions are pure. But catty women do exist (and there are men that bully too), and it’s time we stopped allowing these people to act out this ugly behavior. I had a bully in my enlisted military career. I tried in vain for years to get her to like me, only to have her one day turn on me and tell my innermost secrets to the larger workgroup.
On my last deployment, I encountered a few more bullies. But this time I had tools. I had learned through counseling how to recognize when someone disrespected me, and I found the courage to confront these people and pinpoint exactly what they were doing. Often it is the subtle signs of adult bullying we tolerate and fail to confront, such as the queen bee who leads group conversations but never makes eye contact with their victims or whose flirty body language with the larger male group excludes women in the conversation. Or they are condescending, quick to correct, and downright rude with their targets when they think others are not watching. Or they are the ones who snicker loudly when victims make a comment and they constantly roll their eyes after their target speaks. To everyone else (especially many men that seem weirdly blind to this behavior), they are the life of the party, cracking jokes, and usually have a sarcastic wit making it easy for them to win friends over and be the center of attention. They are manipulative and smart, making it easy to escape scrutiny from leadership that might step in and fix the problem. It took more than 30 years to end their reign over me.
Always confront and stop this insidious behavior. I recommend politely correcting bullies in front of the group, even at the expense of making others uncomfortable. A simple, “What do you mean by that?” can sometimes suffice. The bully will learn they can’t disrespect you in this manner. At the very least, pull the person aside privately and tell them exactly what the behavior was that bothered you and how their actions made you feel. They may get defensive and deny what they were doing. But it will put them on alert and lets them know your boundaries.
Today I let no one push me around. It took years to teach bullies how to treat me, and it wasn’t easy. But it gave me a sense of empowerment that no one can take away. We all have too much to offer to the world to let any person treat us poorly. And I hope my story can be a reminder that it’s never too late to start sticking up for yourself and teaching others respect.