Letting Go and Leaning Back

I used to like to think I could control everything. I was obsessive about my military accomplishments, my body size, what people thought about me, the way I wanted a task to get done and many other parts of my life. I see this behavior often not only in myself but others, the idea that we orchestrate so much but the reality is I control very little on how the world plays out.At any given moment, I could lose my job, a dear friend could pass away, my health could suddenly decline and then who am I? If I've only defined myself by the things I thought I could affect or the life roles I've chosen to assume, then my life suddenly becomes meaningless.I struggle to understand the pieces of life that I can and do want to impact, such as making time in my schedule for quality friends and potential dates (yes, my dating hiatus is now over), preparing for graduate school, continuing with a healthy eating/exercise lifestyle and surrounding myself with things that comfort me and help me relax in my space.For me, letting go and leaning back means allowing yourself to engage moment by moment. It means not obsessing about perceived past wrongs by people and not constantly worrying about what the future will bring. It means that when I am engaged in a meaningful conversation with someone, I am fully present with that person in that instance and not thinking about anything else except the spoken and unspoken dynamics between us.I've been practicing this concept of mindfulness for the past month. This idea that I am more aware of my surroundings, to stop obsessively texting and instead watch society exist in the present. My bike and other forms of public transportation (trolley, bus, ferry) have given me a unique window into life that I was blind to for years. I was on a roller coaster, racing from one career milestone to the next, yearning for that next achievement that would temporarily give me a "high" then I'd come crashing down as I needed to chase that next goal for my life to have purpose.But my purpose in life is simple. I need to be Theresa. My loving, funny, quirky self not defined by any role but a person of value no matter what mistakes I make and what happens to me externally. I feel at peace, and I embrace a positive mindset regardless of external circumstances. My inner core radiates with happiness as I write these words because I have chosen a life of joy despite the pain and suffering I've endured in my past.My journey with losing control means letting others lead conversations. It means sitting quietly in the back of a room having a one-on-one deep discussion instead of attempting to be the life of the party. It also means my ability to feel confident and comfortable in a group setting even when no one is including me or if I can't think of common ground to add to the discussion. Sometimes it's interesting just to lean back and listen to others.I'm sure you know the serenity prayer which involves understanding the things you can change. I embrace things I cannot impact and accepting them exactly as they are in that present moment. I encourage everyone to use silence in their daily lives. Go to a restaurant and instead of staring at your phone or reading, use that opportunity to sit and just be. Smile at people as they walk by. Start a casual conversation if it seems appropriate. Sometimes I find a point in the wall to fixate on and just stare at it for a few minutes, lost in a pleasant thought. I have found that by practicing mindfulness I can handle seemingly negative situations because I no longer allow them to affect me the way I did in years past. And that is because I quit thinking I was in charge of the universe and had the ability to shape every outcome.Releasing the need for control and letting others lead also empowers the people around you. What better gift can you give to another than to let them know that you have so much faith in them and their decision making that you are fine with them picking where to eat, what to do on a Sunday, or fully embracing their wisdom? I feel so close to people when I am a follower, or when someone that I trust and respect shares their power with me and allows me to make choices. My relationships with others have improved significantly since I fully embraced the idea that I don't always have to be in charge. It takes some practice getting used to, but the rewards make it such a wonderful feeling in the end. I would love to hear how this works for you.