Dating mid life in the digital age

Dating online is a new world for me. Before my marriage, meeting guys and partying went hand-in-hand. Since childhood, I've always had a sizable group of girlfriends or co-workers to do things with socially. We spent our free time at bars and clubs. We danced. We played pool and darts. Then after awhile, we'd start dating one of the people in our group, or we'd meet people while out. This was the cycle on how I met men, ending only when I got married. Although fun, great in the moment, and helped with building social skills it wasn't incredibly fulfilling as the guys were never compatible long-term. But, I was young, immature and my identity was one of a party girl, so I naturally attracted people looking for a good time.Now a year after my divorce and two deployments during which I barely dated, I'm mentally in a place to put myself out there, but in a different way than in years past. While I focus on my hobbies, career plans and the people I meet in those circumstances, I am giving online dating a try. Generally speaking, I'm finished with short-term flings and want a long-term relationship eventually.Overall, I'm enjoying the experience of meeting people I'd never know otherwise. Dating on the Internet is a bit like shopping for a car. You must put time into researching profiles and having a number of emails, text messages and phone calls before deciding to meet in person. It's a weeding out process. What you read online looks vastly different in person, or once you chat on the phone. After all, it's the self we want to project that comes across when meeting new people. It takes time for the real person to emerge.I'm not primarily concerned with the job someone has, or how in shape they are. It's impressive if a guy loves his job and takes care of his health, but you can have that and lack the more important character traits that make an individual shine.I care more about if one loves themselves (not false confidence, cockiness or bravado), if they are happy, how they see the world (is everything someone else's fault and where their personal responsibilities lie), where they are spiritually and if they are humble.Let me elaborate on what turns me off during dating online. Why do men put shirtless selfies in their profile, or only post pictures of them partying and with other women, but then say they seek a long-term relationship? What does that tell me other than they might have a streak of narcissism, or they are insecure and think things so shallow will impress me? Or it tells me they are in a partying stage. Nothing wrong with going out and having fun, but I want someone that likes to do other things too. Or the guy that begins his email asking if my friend in my profile picture is single, or if I want to make babies with him. Then of course, there's the cut and paste introduction that is clearly not personal toward me, but a group of words no doubt posted on dozens of profiles with the hopes that one will respond. I had a friend tell me that he does that, also known as "fishing."So this experience has made me consider two things: 1) What do I admire in a man? 2) Am I attracting the traits I admire? So, while I think I have some ways to go in success in number two, I can at least articulate what I love in a person and what would make me inspired to take the interaction from digital to in person.A guy must be happy alone. I understand loneliness, and with or without a partner, we all experience it. But if I sense a guy can't handle time on his own, I think we're not a match because I'll perceive him as needy and codependent. I admire people who happily embrace alone time and tell me with passion the hobbies they enjoy in solidarity.I admire people that follow through with what they say they are going to do. They believe in themselves, they are self-assured and use their natural strengths to help others by improving the pieces of them that they enjoy doing. Along with this trait, I respect those that step outside their comfort zones and humble themselves with letting me see their vulnerabilities.Compatibility means beliefs are aligned. It does not mean we must be alike in income status, physical appearance or in all the hobbies we enjoy doing. I see looks, income, and a sense of humor as great things to have, but if they are not rooted in shared values and beliefs, they will not make a match.I may stay alone and happy for years while I understand more what I seek in a partner and what types of men are attracted to me. And if we are not a match, I still see that interaction as a moment to learn something interesting about a person, or gain exposure to a concept or hobby I had not yet considered.Dating is a contact sport. I've been rejected in this process just like I've determined others were not a match for me. However, I remain optimistic that one day I'll have a partner to share this beautiful life with. However, I appreciate the blessings I have; positive friends, nice coworkers, a job I adore, a terrific church community and my continued good health. I encourage any single person who desires a partner to give online dating a try. Not because you think it will lead to a forever match, but because it can teach you about what you want in a person, what you don't want and what you put out there that attracts another. And yes, there may be some bizarre encounters, but I keep a healthy sense of humor about it and if one considers it part of a fun ride, there's positives in each interaction.Dating online is very different than the years of only meeting in person -- this video gives a humorous comparison.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVHyS8UbiOE