Building Better Boundaries

It's hard saying no to people sometimes. My ego craves acceptance and if I do what someone wants, then I think they'll value me. Or I want to feel needed by attempting to positively change the world.

Recently I learned how to limit the assistance I offer and to whom I give my time. Building boundaries has helped me through this process. Over the years, I've developed friendships with people that are suffering emotionally. They were sides to them I loved, and when we were together I minimized their negative traits. But over time, I found myself excessively gossiping with that person, listening to their litany of complaints, sensing their overall unhappiness, and only meeting up on their terms. After our encounter, I felt sad, sometimes angry, and always emotionally spent. Once I recognized my feelings about these people, I knew I had to limit my time with them and some, I had to end contact altogether.

Building boundaries is applicable in many areas of life, including work environments. I take notice of the tone someone uses with me. If they are speaking in a manner that I perceive as disrespectful or condescending in a repeated fashion, I politely pull them aside to address the issue. It's resulted in uncomfortable conversations, but in the end, I was able to address the issue directly and let go of the resentment I felt. I changed my way of interacting in relationships because I started to value myself more and as that happened, I realized that I was tolerating certain behaviors because I was terrified of confrontation and abandonment. I was fearful of personal attacks lodged against me if I spoke up on how someone was treating me. This again, came back to my ego’s obsessive need to be liked and win approval from others.

When I saw that my refusal to build boundaries was based on selfishness, I knew that to put a stop to this treatment, I had to confront my fears and address the issue. I choose to write about this issue because I think it's a universal topic many struggle with, especially women. Often society views us as nurturing caretakers, and I've seen many of my girlfriends go so out of their way to please others but neglect to address their own needs. Building self-esteem helps to address this issue because by loving and honoring yourself, you are best positioned to assist others.

Building boundaries is an ongoing process. Throughout my life, I'll be tested in this area. I'll question myself and think about where did I go wrong to negatively impact this interaction. Thankfully,  I have wonderful friends and mentors to seek an objective third-party opinion if I think my personal bias of a situation will prevent me from making an informed decision on the path ahead.