Being alone on a Navy warship with 5,000 people
I’m just going to say it. I have come so far in the Navy. I am a seasoned Lieutenant Commander with 21 years of service, three warfare designations, and two graduate degrees. I am the public affairs officer onboard an aircraft carrier representing nearly 7,500 marines and sailors. I am competitive for commander and in charge of 30 extremely hard-working and talented artists. I get to tell the Navy story at a time when we are relevant and operating in a kinetic fight against ISIS. I get to host at sea celebrities, elected officials, defense ministers, ambassadors, and members of royal families. That’s freakin amazing.
Yet at times, I am so lonely. I am grateful. I am honored. But I am alone. It’s the price of achieving a goal I set out to conquer so many years ago. I’ve always had relationship challenges, be that schoolyard bullying, or wading through a divorce and mid-life dating, but much of my life has been centered on having a best girlfriend. A constant companion, a special person I could lean on and cry to in my darkest moments. And, one that I could also support. As I’ve aged, that best friend became the men in my life. Today, my boyfriend is my main source of emotional connection.
But out here at sea, I am on my own. I have achieved a rank to where in my proximity there are no women of a similar career path. I am the only female department head. People who in another setting I’d be hanging out with now call me ma’am, smile and give me the “polite nod” as we pass each other along the ship’s narrow passageways. I eat by myself most of the time in a secluded part of the Wardroom watching TV or reading. The majority of the crew are enlisted Sailors. My coworkers are wonderful, but they are not intimate friends, as that’s not their appropriate role.If we pull into a port call, I’m required to have a liberty buddy. This is a constant companion that I must sign in and off the ship with. I have no such person in mind. I am facing the rest of deployment using only command-sponsored tours as a means to leave the ship. Lucky for me, there are some good ones. I intend to go regardless of my “liberty buddy” status.
I recently found out through a Facebook page for female naval officers that others who have achieved the same stature as me have faced similar issues. However, it’s rarely discussed publicly. There are so few senior female officers in any one command. The junior female officers bond amongst one another. Due to my rank and position, I do not have that same opportunity. Combine this with the fact that I’m an introvert that prefers reading books to parties, writing to talking, and it’s easy for me to feel totally isolated. Loneliness mid-age affects so many regardless of gender and marital status. Dating columnist Evan Marc Katz tacked this subject recently with this insightful article on the lack of male companionship as men age. I frequently reread Positive Solitude, a timeless classic that helps me better appreciate the breaks I’ve had between relationships. I’m grateful for the countless number of caring and supportive people I know. People I’ve known for years get the real me. Practicing gratitude is a must and a skill that I use daily. While these people are not here on the ship, they are simply a Facebook message or email away. I get so caught up in the business of the day that I neglect to reach out when I know I need to. If you are one of those such dear people (and if you are reading this, you likely are!), I’m sorry and will reach out soon! Thank you for being you.
In the end, I will push through this feeling because I recognize what an incredible once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this period really is. Our recently departed chaplain gave me a bit of advice when I was running a goal group during our last underway period. He called it the “Three Ps.” Positive attitude, adopt a different perspective, and push through. Those three insights help me appreciate the position I’m in, take this as a challenge to step outside my proximity to try and make unexpected connections. And to use a common naval expression, I just gotta “suck it up.”