Why I Stopped Interacting with Emotionally Unavailable People
Recently, a friend shared with me an article regarding the signs of emotionally unavailable people. It got me thinking how I've spent my life seeking approval from those unable to reciprocate. In my twisted logic, the validation from those unable to love would magically boost my value as a person. But as I grow in loving myself more, the more distance I create from emotionally unavailable people. And it's not like I haven't tried to make those relationships work. I'm persistent.
My sometimes relentless need to succeed guarantees I'll use every ounce of my emotional energy attempting to gain favor. On my eight-month deployment, I tried in vain to make plans with emotionally unavailable people. I would do desperate measures to gain acceptance such as complementing their best qualities, laughing at all their jokes, pretending to agree with their opinions, and soaking in any advice they doled out to me. Yet these people were never the friend I relied on when I was in crisis, they never shared their vulnerabilities with me nor did I feel that I could trust them. So why did I base my self worth on the few people that would reject me no matter how hard I tried to win them over? This is an interesting question that I'm still struggling with as I go down the path of enlightenment and adopt more positive behaviors and attitudes.
In the past, people gave me so many signs of an emotionally unavailable person, yet I always found in them some positive traits, ignored the glaring warning signs and would think, "they'll be different with me. I can get them to open up." So in my arrogance and totally self destructive behavior, I made countless attempts to win them over, using my humor, my empathy, and my ability to ask a zillion questions about their lives in an effort to build a deep connection.
But what always happened? I'd get hurt because I wanted so badly for their acceptance and a sense of belonging. I am wiser now and must pay attention to the feedback I'm getting from someone. Are they sharing their deepest secrets with me? Do they approach me when they are in pain? Can I tell them something without fear that they will attempt to shame me?
Loving myself means that my time is valuable. It means that it's only spent around people that I know genuinely care about me. I need to observe if a person is competitive, gossipy, exclusive, or only carries on conversations that are shallow. Judging a people's negative behavior is a part of life. I know poor actions are an indicator of deeper emotional pain and do not make someone a bad person. But it does mean I must draw boundaries to shield myself from them hurting me, while remembering that I have no right to shame them for acting in a particular way.
Recently, a person I was chatting with looked down upon my past partying behaviors, criticized my attempts to date online, felt I wasn't fulfilling my duties as a woman because I don't cook, and had strong opinions on my ability to dedicate myself to the military and to a relationship. He saw blogging as a way to put across a sanitized view of an individual that is not who that person really is. I wonder then how he feels about my character, my womanhood, and my ability to give and receive love. His words hurt my feelings, and I know that if I want to continue the relationship, I'll have to face my fears of confrontation and express how I felt when he made the comments.
So my insights on this issue have led me to distance myself from certain individuals or if I want to deepen the relationship, I need to confront the people who seem to lack the capacity to love me. My faith in God helps me understand that I'm loved by a higher power unconditionally and that as I grow in love for myself exactly as I am today, I want to limit the time I spend with an emotionally unavailable person to what is necessary for a working relationship should I be forced to interact with them.
I now confront unhealthy relationships and take action to honor myself. This clears the space for the loving people to enter and support the causes that nurture my soul.