How spousal support entitles people and stifles personal growth
The bridal industry paints idealistic portraits of marital bliss, but many are unaware of the terms of this contract.
Updated August 3, 2018
Growing up, I earned my way. If I desired name-brand clothing or newer toys, I did extra chores to raise my allowance. My parents patiently put up with my bratty complaining that I did not get everything that I wanted or what was freely handed to friends. But, I know now they were teaching me a very life valuable lesson. Thanks, Mom and Dad!
My first job was at the age of 14, barely legal to work and starting out in the wee hours of the morning in a donut shop. Before joining the Navy a few years later, I had toiled away in the fast-food industry, worked as a hostess and bused tables in several restaurants, folded clothing at retail stores, and answered phones at two call centers, sometimes holding down two or three jobs at a time.
Although hard-working, I was young and immature. I did not always pay bills on time. I knew little about budgeting and money management. I took out a loan for community college, hoping to better myself but lacked a plan for repayment. Later, that loan would adversely affect my credit report, as I did not pay it off till years later with the money I made in the military, teaching me an incredible lesson on living within or below my means. These early adult experiences taught me that if I wanted to survive in this country, I needed to make my own cash. It NEVER crossed my mind that I would meet a man that would support me financially. Instead, I experienced a deep sense of pride improving my customer service skills and later in the Navy advancing through the system. It was not always easy, and I had plenty of failures that were instrumental to my later successes. I'm now set to advance to the rank of Lieutenant Commander in September working as a Navy communicator, a job I'm suited for and love immensely. I'm proud of my 19 years of service.
Today, many Americans get married not understanding the laws that govern this binding contract. When one signs their wedding certificate, there are no terms outlined within the agreement. These optimistic couples are instead bought into the dream of life support and forever love, perhaps blind to the cold reality that roughly 50 percent of marriages dissolve into divorce. When I got married, I was unaware of the state and federal laws governing my contract. I own that completely. I had no idea that my ex-spouse would qualify for a percentage of my military retirement, or that he'd be eligible for payments simply because he made less money. Looking back, I should have opted for a pre-nuptial agreement. But I was young and naive and thought we'd be together for life.Thanks to outdated state family codes, a high-wage earner may be financially bound for life to another. Marriage is a choice and in that choice choosing to stay home and decrease earning power is another choice. When I made choices in my life, good and bad, sometimes I faced adverse consequences. But because of spousal support, better known as alimony, a judge in most states has full discretion to award the lower-earning spouse a paycheck for life. This sends the message that if one marries just the right person, regardless of it works out or not, they can rest on their laurels and be supported for it. This issue is not gender-specific anymore. In earlier decades, it was the woman that was primarily supported, but now with 47 percent of women in the workforce how does this advance the empowerment of women by dependence on another? Laws like this impede the progress of women's advancement by playing into stereotypical portraits of a woman depending on a man financially. And as a whole, what does this policy teach our society? That it's ok NOT to strive for higher-income employment or remarry for fear alimony paychecks will end? What about the higher wage earner that works for years building their career actually EARNING the paycheck? Now because their personal relationship fails, they are bound to lifelong servitude and legal extortion?
Thankfully, there is something we can do about it. Here in the state of California, a businessman in Orange County, California decided to take matters into his own hands. His story can be read here, where he shares his firsthand experience in California's family courts. Visit his website for more information."Alimony is used in many cases as a retaliatory tactic. Having spent countless hours in divorce court, I would often listen to other cases that preceded mine and hear a person who is clearly self-supporting demanding alimony," said Steve Clark, a software consultant.
Steve's proposed law is here and is modeled after similar bills in Massachusetts (where the measure is now law) and Florida, which advocates are still tirelessly fighting to pass.
The law will end alimony and give gradual weaning off process to those still collecting. Steve needs a lot of signatures, 365,880 to be exact, to get this on the California ballot this November. If he is unsuccessful, plans are to try again next year. Additionally, I encourage everyone to contact their state legislator to see if they will introduce and support this important bill.
After my divorce, I felt victimized as my ex-spouse had every opportunity to work and advance in a career of his choosing. Seven of our eight years of marriage was in Honolulu, Hawaii, where there was time to build steady employment and earning potential. He instead got depressed and never found fulfilling work and settled on menial jobs. I hyperventilated when I was briefed on the divorce terms he was offering me, the one and only time I've done that. Later, an independent lawyer I hired said I was getting a "fair" deal. However, half our assets came to almost $80,000, plenty of cash to start a new life path. When it was finally settled, my ex-husband received $102,000 at divorce and another $45,000 three in exchange for not going after my military pension. We had no children, and I was gladly willing to help him pay for our three dogs since I was deploying and he needed full ownership. After being deployed for a year, I asked for a dog to live with me and he refused. Of the $102,000 he received upon divorcing, 25 percent of this was for his one-year health insurance and transitional alimony. I only agreed to these terms because the lawyer I consulted said he was offering me a "fair deal" to avoid a prolonged court battle. I felt trapped into agreeing to his terms. Nothing about this deal was morally right. I felt like I was being punished for making money and moving up in the Navy. If you are on Facebook and want to fight this injustice, "like" Steve's page here. Follow him on Twitter here. And, write him directly at info@calalimonyreform.org for a petition packet. He is currently offering incentives to those that can amass a large number of signatures.
Please, let's empower our citizens to earn their own money. No one forces us to stop working and raise children. Deciding to become a non-wage earner is a personal choice two people make, and one that can have positive and negative consequences. The best times I've grown are in challenging circumstances I faced because of my choices, not when another has enabled me. I am new to the fight for this worthy cause, and I have much to learn. I'm interested in your stories too and your feelings on alimony reform.
Let's help everyone help themselves.
P.S. To learn more about the divorce industry, check out the movie Divorce Corp. It's an eye-opening examination of the people getting rich when marriages end.